At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
