I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
