made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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