just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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