I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I have already put on my inside pants.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
