she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize