I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
