I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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