I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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