So drunk its hurt
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
