fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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