Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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