i love accidental penises.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
