I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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