I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
