God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
