I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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