I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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