Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
