Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
