My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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