Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
