somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
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