i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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