...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
