Dude my mom stole all your condoms
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
