I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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