Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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