We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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