Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
