A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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