the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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