pop tarts are not kleenex
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
