sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
he had hair everywhere except his balls
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
