I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
be right there i have to get my cape
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize