My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
