You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
