I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize