I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
