Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
