I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
