Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
