Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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