Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
