took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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