When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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