hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
