I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
