I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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