I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just want to make out with him forever
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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