My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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