she pinky promised me she was 18
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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