Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize